Picnic

In an hour or so, I will be going to a family picnic with cousins from my mother's side of the family. I love many of these folks, at least the one's I know, and have no strenuous objections to hotdogs and hamburgers. But being blind, even "only" legally blind as I am, can put a terrible crimp in this sort of thing. Ordinarily, a person in a social situation scopes out the space for a conversational opportunity; perhaps someone else who is feeling at loose ends in the situation.

But when you can't see well, when the faces of other people are mostly lost to you except at pornographic range, the scope and advance structure breaks down, and you more or less have to hope that someone else sees how you are and draws you into a conversation. Of course, there is the third option, which was not open to me when my blindness began ten years ago, and that is to be very still inside myself, free of the monkey that jabbers desolation, and listen. This isn't always easy, and it's a little bit sideways from the mood with which you want to attend a picnic, but it's better than the alternative, which is to chew on the tablecloth and sulk. Also, I think I have something more interesting to talk about than a lot of what gets talked about at a picnic, and that is, without being a snob about it, that I have written one book and am writing another. It would probably be more compelling if I had published something, but at least I know that I haven't spent the ten years of my exile weeping.

Well. Not all of them, anyway.

Spiritual Umbrellas

This morning, I started out with the idea of starting a Yahoo group. It was going to have a sort of Subgenius vibe to it, and I tossed McFnord a couple of ideas for themes. At first, I thought I would go with the Alien Overlord thing. I still find it amusing, even though McFnord reminded me that the vein had been mined to death. Same thing with zombies, which I also suggested. And what I found, as I sat there thinking up themes for my group, is that something is going on with me that extends well beyond Yahoo. It's there in the email I sent to Ivan Stang; my break with the Catholic church and a search for a more amenable spiritual umbrella.

One of the conflicts I seem to be dealing with right now is the very idea of rebellion. I've always been an outsider, both for reasons that I chose and for reasons that chose me. I feel like I'm looking for allies and collaborators in my life, although straightforward friendship is welcome, too.

The thing is, I suddenly feel like I've shed so many skins in recent months, that I'm coming to a place where I'm having to reacquaint myself with myself. For at least twenty years, I've thought that I knew myself pretty well. I know what my tastes are and can defend them if called to do so; the same goes for my politics. But that feeling of self-comfort was shattered when my health catastrophe struck and I lost the better part of my eyesight. Suddenly, I was angry at God and furious with myself. Rehashing old behaviors, especially sexual ones, I seemed to discover that I had been vain and silly, or worse. I was baptized in the Catholic church in the middle of this time, and it provided stability when I was one unstable cat.

But now I've stabilized and I can't live with the CC lies anymore. I don't need some red Papa in Rome to instruct me in moral clarity. I want for myself what I want for humanity: liberation from suffering, ignorance and control. For me, the way through all this change has always been to revert to the roles of the magician and poet. But now I think a third identity is in ascendance, and I think it might be the role of the comedian. I've been way too serious about things for way too long. That's why recent posts have been so much about little pranks and games. Also, I'm just so fucking tired of being this serious blind guy. Does any of this resonate with you, reader?